Once again, I am awake at a ridiculously early hour, for no reason other than bad dreams and bad back. I need a new mattress and a psychiatrist like Dr. Drew to get me through. Unfortunately, I'm not a recovering addict, and I don't have a few hundred dollars just lying around waiting to become something soft to lie down on. More and more, I think that a person my size is doing themselves a disservice buying an Ultramatic adjustable bed, because when you get right down to it, it really is just a flexible board with a mattress on top. It really would be the same if I just put the mattress on the floor, since the lack of any kind of springs is what is killing me.
Every time I am awake this early, I swear I can feel the strain it puts on my heart. These are the hours that my CHF really worries me. For those just joining the blog, CHF is short for Congestive Heart Failure, which is a fancy way to say my heart has grown so large that it is inefficient at pumping blood throughout my body. My heart is larger than a canned ham. Not familiar? How about two big cans of apple juice standing side-by-side? Does that put it in perspective? Anyway, it really sucked turning 30 and knowing already what the most likely thing to kill me was going to be, and now I'm facing down 40 ten years later and things have actually gotten worse overall rather than improved. I'm facing more stress now than when I was diagnosed, I'm getting way less rest than when I was diagnosed, I am confined to my home tons more than when I was diagnosed, I get way less 'incidental exercise' than when I was diagnosed, and since I learned of my disease I have watched my support drop to that of three people, one of which I hardly communicate with. Each and every one of these factors, according to my doctor and everything I've read, is extremely vital to my putting this behind me and surviving.
What really fucking sucks is that every time I have a slight pain in my chest area, mainly from my left side, I wonder if this is it, is this the start of the failure I've been waiting on for a decade? Try living life with that kind of burden hanging over your head. I feel like a very specific hypochondriac, who only worries that he is dying every time his chest goes thump. To top it all off, and to me the worst two things about the entire situation, are that I feel like an enormous burden to the two wonderful people living with me, and my depression (caused by all this shit) makes me constantly lash out at them seemingly for no reason whatsoever. I spend so much of my time apologizing and wishing things were different...
Anyway, I'm sure I'm alienating anyone who is actually taking the time to read this, so I guess I'll bugger off and play some of my Big Fish Games titles for the next few hours. Maybe go back upstairs after the rest of the household is awake, so I can stay out of everybody's way. Probably the best way to live my life nowadays. Take care, Good Readers, and I'll try and get out of my funk for you for next time.
Personal Crap
- Gutrend
- Meaford, ON, Canada
- A big lover of all types of media, from Movies to Video Games, Books to Music, Television to Stage.
1/22/11
Hits Down On Themed Blogs
Kinda gets me down when I write big articles and such on my other blogs, but this one is the only one I can count on to get good hits on a daily basis. Maybe I'm just not writing about what people want to read about, and certainly I haven't gotten any comments on the other blogs yet, not really. So, would someone let me know what it is they want me to be focusing on? That'd be a big help, thanks.
Meanwhile, things are kinda slow today. My movie blog is anticipating the Oscar noms on the 25th, the television blog is virtually unread after I reviewed five of the newest shows, and my videogame blog can't even get people interested in the Nintendo 3DS. Here I thought these topics were current, but I guess there are better online outlets for the news about this stuff, and I just don't have enough loyal followers being entertained by my efforts.
Regardless, I have posted some more movie rumour tidbits on the Real To Reel site, so if interested please go check that stuff out.
Maybe because this is an adult-warning blog, I should be posting stuff that actually requires the warning? Let me know folks, I certainly have those resources...until next time, take care.
Meanwhile, things are kinda slow today. My movie blog is anticipating the Oscar noms on the 25th, the television blog is virtually unread after I reviewed five of the newest shows, and my videogame blog can't even get people interested in the Nintendo 3DS. Here I thought these topics were current, but I guess there are better online outlets for the news about this stuff, and I just don't have enough loyal followers being entertained by my efforts.
Regardless, I have posted some more movie rumour tidbits on the Real To Reel site, so if interested please go check that stuff out.
Maybe because this is an adult-warning blog, I should be posting stuff that actually requires the warning? Let me know folks, I certainly have those resources...until next time, take care.
1/21/11
Dominican, Ho!!!
Okay, so it isn't as though we're gearing up to actually head to the Dominican today or anything, but today is a pretty big day around here. I'll get to that, and a new post, in just a second. First off, I'd like to say that finally, for the first time in a week, I slept all the way to 7am!!! Three cheers for me! Okay, enough of that, on with the news.
The reason I'm saying today is a big day is due to the fact that we have an appraiser coming to the house today, in order for us to get our mortgage moved to a different lending institution. Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but when you combine lower payments with extra funds to eliminate some of our debts, PLUS the added bonus of finally being able to take the old mortgage company, First National, to court via the Ontario Ombudsman, and things are certainly on their way to the tropics. My favourite part is being in a position to screw First National to the wall for all the bullshit they've caused us in the years since my father died. Can't wait to ream them like they've reamed us, because we're going to be getting money back from those assholes, let me tell you. I'm not going to get into details, just in case including their name in this post draws them to this site and they read this, but suffice it to say they're going to get everything they have coming to them, and we're going to make it hurt. A lot. No lube.
Other news today is that I have just posted a review of five of this season's newest shows, and that can be found over at Telly Vision. Agree or disagree, feel free to post comments or write to me with thoughts. I know there are readers out there, just wish they'd let me know they exist!
That being said, have a good day - oh, and if you are in the Toronto area, get anything you need to do outside done today, because the weekend is going to be a real weenie-shrinker, so bundle up!
The reason I'm saying today is a big day is due to the fact that we have an appraiser coming to the house today, in order for us to get our mortgage moved to a different lending institution. Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but when you combine lower payments with extra funds to eliminate some of our debts, PLUS the added bonus of finally being able to take the old mortgage company, First National, to court via the Ontario Ombudsman, and things are certainly on their way to the tropics. My favourite part is being in a position to screw First National to the wall for all the bullshit they've caused us in the years since my father died. Can't wait to ream them like they've reamed us, because we're going to be getting money back from those assholes, let me tell you. I'm not going to get into details, just in case including their name in this post draws them to this site and they read this, but suffice it to say they're going to get everything they have coming to them, and we're going to make it hurt. A lot. No lube.
Other news today is that I have just posted a review of five of this season's newest shows, and that can be found over at Telly Vision. Agree or disagree, feel free to post comments or write to me with thoughts. I know there are readers out there, just wish they'd let me know they exist!
That being said, have a good day - oh, and if you are in the Toronto area, get anything you need to do outside done today, because the weekend is going to be a real weenie-shrinker, so bundle up!
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