Personal Crap

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Meaford, ON, Canada
A big lover of all types of media, from Movies to Video Games, Books to Music, Television to Stage.



Okay, here's the deal: Blogger has been having problems with their counters as of late, specifically with those blogs marked as having adult content. Now, this particular blog was marked as adult content since it is written as a train of thought, including all the rotten language that flows through my head constantly :) As a result, I marked it adult for that, not for having pornographic photos all over the place. So, simply put, be aware that there is language on this blogsite, and if you are offended don't bother complaining because I wrote this so that you'd know it before reading, and it is your fault if you don't believe me and decide to possibly get offended anyway. If language of a vulgar nature might make you upset, go read something by Disney.


Too Early For Thoughtful Blogging

Once again, I am awake at a ridiculously early hour, for no reason other than bad dreams and bad back.  I need a new mattress and a psychiatrist like Dr. Drew to get me through.  Unfortunately, I'm not a recovering addict, and I don't have a few hundred dollars just lying around waiting to become something soft to lie down on.  More and more, I think that a person my size is doing themselves a disservice buying an Ultramatic adjustable bed, because when you get right down to it, it really is just a flexible board with a mattress on top.  It really would be the same if I just put the mattress on the floor, since the lack of any kind of springs is what is killing me.

Every time I am awake this early, I swear I can feel the strain it puts on my heart.  These are the hours that my CHF really worries me.  For those just joining the blog, CHF is short for Congestive Heart Failure, which is a fancy way to say my heart has grown so large that it is inefficient at pumping blood throughout my body.  My heart is larger than a canned ham.  Not familiar?  How about two big cans of apple juice standing side-by-side?  Does that put it in perspective?  Anyway, it really sucked turning 30 and knowing already what the most likely thing to kill me was going to be, and now I'm facing down 40 ten years later and things have actually gotten worse overall rather than improved.  I'm facing more stress now than when I was diagnosed, I'm getting way less rest than when I was diagnosed, I am confined to my home tons more than when I was diagnosed, I get way less 'incidental exercise' than when I was diagnosed, and since I learned of my disease I have watched my support drop to that of three people, one of which I hardly communicate with.  Each and every one of these factors, according to my doctor and everything I've read, is extremely vital to my putting this behind me and surviving.

What really fucking sucks is that every time I have a slight pain in my chest area, mainly from my left side, I wonder if this is it, is this the start of the failure I've been waiting on for a decade?  Try living life with that kind of burden hanging over your head.  I feel like a very specific hypochondriac, who only worries that he is dying every time his chest goes thump.  To top it all off, and to me the worst two things about the entire situation, are that I feel like an enormous burden to the two wonderful people living with me, and my depression (caused by all this shit) makes me constantly lash out at them seemingly for no reason whatsoever.  I spend so much of my time apologizing and wishing things were different...

Anyway, I'm sure I'm alienating anyone who is actually taking the time to read this, so I guess I'll bugger off and play some of my Big Fish Games titles for the next few hours.  Maybe go back upstairs after the rest of the household is awake, so I can stay out of everybody's way.  Probably the best way to live my life nowadays.  Take care, Good Readers, and I'll try and get out of my funk for you for next time.